ImageCircles, sharps, curves, lines… start and end

   or maybe even continue..

     a possibility or two, for me, for you.

Colors burst and fade, glow and show

   light, darkness, familiarity and strangeness

in this vast space – Openness.

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Jesuits and Love

Wow, finally I’m writing again. After writing consecutively then taking a ponder break, I feel it’s just timely to write again (haha besides the fact that I shared this link to a Jesuit brother friend. Yes, bro ikaw yun!)

It’s just that the signs have been bombarding me! Although I haven’t paused to listen closely to what it is saying, or maybe what it is not saying. Just a few anecdotes about my encounter with Jesuits (and friends) the past few days that reminded me of something I’ve been discerning about:

>> random out of the blue conversation about vocation with a Jesuit brother friend: what struck me – “Whatever you decide, the people you love and who love you, will accept that decision.”

>> lunch with kindred sister (haha yes, my nunny bunny sister :P) who shared how she discovered the possibility of actually living out her mission while having a family (inspired by Mayor Jesse Robredo) Insight from our sharing: decision will be based on what would allow us to be truly free 😉

>> getting a handwritten letter from my favorite Jesuit priest yesterday. He’s like my lolo/father haha. It was so sweet and I got excited (kinilig ako!) opening up his LBC letter to me. It wasn’t mushy but very much him! I miss him badly – because he’s seen my vulnerable side and his a reassuring presence who reminds me of my compass. He ended with this line: “Keep praying and listening.”

>> getting an e-mail for a “disengaged” friend, who has finally forgiven me ;P hellooo dapat lang! haha but seriously, I really do believe that being human allows us the capacity to also forgive

>> homily in the infirmary tonight: We are called to a: RADICAL SURRENDER to an INCOMPREHENSIBLE MYSTERY manifested in INEFFABLE LOVE.

Now, I’m not sure if I’m sounding cohesive here with my sharing. But, in a jist, I realized, whatever path I do decide to take, what is important is to be open to where the Spirit leads me, and to do things, not so that God will love me, but because he already does, regardless of how I am and even in my brokeness and imperfections, in my humanity.

I realized, I love Jesuits, not because they are the holiest of holy people of God, but because, they manifest Jesus Christ – in their humanity -in their frailty and own struggles, in their brokeness – and even in their poverty of spirit. I realized to be like Jesus Christ is also to love – and to love is not about butterflies in our stomachs or fairytales where we are swept off our feet but bruises, heartaches, tears but sometimes hugs too. Thank you for the profound words of wisdom!

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Note to self: Please don’t please.

I realized, the past few days that you really can’t please EVERYONE. Even if you’re a saint. In fact, saints are usually the ones who aren’t really that popular in terms of being cool…I think that only happens when they die. Or maybe, I just know about those kinds of saints. Anyways, I’ve found myself in a space where I’m just focusing on what I can do and doing my best in doing these things.

And, I realized I’m growing up because I’ve found myself just doing what I need to do instead of complaining and whining why I have to do these things. At the end of the day, after all, I was the one who chose to be where I am. 🙂 To thesis writing and teaching pursuits! ❤ And also creative writing and discovering the artist in me.

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Love.

It’s not about the money. It’s not about the fame.

It’s not about success. And definitely not, about shame.

I hope what motivates us, and what keeps us going,

is not just what we want, but what gives our lives meaning.

 

It doesn’t have to be abstract,

Geesh. It definitely should NOT. 

It’s so real, that it makes us come alive.

It’s so raw, that it can be painful and scary.

 

Sometime, we keep on thinking and rationalizing.

We tend to argue, debate and end up sounding 

patronizing

when, all we need is to listen, to be still.

To breathe, and look around us and embrace our humanity.

All we need is to love and experience it in its beauty.

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Ponder break

Hello…and goodbye, for now! 😀

I decided not to blog for a few days because I feel a need to write my thoughts in a less conscious way (not thinking of who will read it and filtering my emotions.) After finding myself distracted with different thoughts, and my mind floating around I’ve come to the conclusion, that I need to sit down with myself and listen closely to what it is..what it really is that is important to me instead of running like a headless chicken from one task to the other. Words and phrases that I am working on right now:

1. Keeping my word – being honest with my schedule and my limitations

2. Being deliberate (intentional) in all that I do – not just going with the flow

3. Listening – listening not to the words being said, but to the things not being said, listening for something more than I see or hear

So, that’s it for now. I’ll probably publish a post again, come end of August. For now, it’s me and my journal with my thoughts.

Happy Assumption Day yesterday! 😀 I like this line describing Mary, “she kept all these things and pondered them in her heart.” Time to listen and ponder. Bye for now!

 

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At a lost for words (or uncomfortable with words)

I’ve written three blog posts I haven’t finished nor published. I’m hesitating to write right now. I realized how vulnerable writing can also be and I feel the need to be strong, to not show my weak side, or maybe not to just talk and to listen first, to observe. Then, maybe I can share.

While playing futsal last night, I found myself hesitating, unsure and uncomfortable. Besides the fact that I was the only one wearing running shoes (all of them were in futsal gear and I just grabbed a pair of board shorts, leggings, a shirt and my running shoes), I felt I wasn’t blending in. I was intimidated the last time I played, when I met this girl (She was really bubbly and happy), who was really good. I felt out of place and she didn’t even pass me the ball. Last night, it wasn’t exactly different. I was late and I just had two games to play. This time around, instead of feeling bad because they aren’t passing me the ball (there were instances in the past when they did but I wasn’t able to score), I found myself observing and focusing on where the ball is and what I can do to support my teammate. It took some time. Some of the people I was playing with was asking me if they were my team mates and encouraging me to move around more. Eventually, I warmed up. I started defending more and there were instances where I was able to divert the ball back to our end. “Good D!” I heard someone shout and it felt good. 🙂 I liked it more than being in the limelight and scoring. I realized, as much as there are things I want to do and feel a need to do – I need to work with understanding the game first. Just like with people or with things (like an organization or business). Instead of just giving suggestions (and trust me I have loads of those), it would also be helpful to observe first, to ask around and go out of myself to see what’s happening and what I can do. (one of my favorite Filipino words right now is: buwelo: to wait for the right time, to pause and get ready)

I guess, I just don’t feel like writing because or especially when it’s about me and my thoughts again. Even or especially, when it’s becoming like a recipe of sorts, suggestions for people to do this or that. With this insight, I realized, I want to write more about OBSERVATIONS 🙂 which may later on lead to insights, suggestions, or just plain amusement. Words don’t really capture everything we feel or experience but I feel words that describe experiences and observations at least help capture the moments that might lead to discoveries we never know how exactly will unfold.

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Some sharing and silence

I tried the private blog feature here (so I did write a blog last night except I didn’t publish it publicly..because it was quite detailed.) I just want to share parts of what I wrote:

“Change can be scary, sometimes difficult and tricky. Sabi ko nga sa isa kong kaibigankapag nagmamahal ka pala, kasama dun ang galit, ang frustration. I can’t help but admit it to myself, that what matters to me affects me in a way, that may not feel good all the time. The key word is vulnerability -to be honest with ourselves as to what affects us and how it does, because in one way or another, there’s some truth to it.

I’m talking about it vaguely (I’m hesitating from sharing my own personal experience today – nagkaroon ako ng “moment”, while waiting for T going to our meeting.) I had a dialogue with God, Lord, ito ba talaga ang gusto ninyo? Can You pls. show me a sign, any sign? And, I couldn’t help but start crying in the process of doing so. I know, in the silence of it all, that I am where I am meant to be, and really this endeavor, is worth pursuing.”

I feel a need to quiet down my restless heart and my floating mind. 🙂 Honestly, I feel a need to go to a silent retreat – I hope to do that by the end of the year. It’s good to listen to people and their stories, and also to share mine. But, I realized, in order for me to truly listen, I first need to start by being honest with myself and listening to what I am really feeling and having a dialogue with God. I just don’t like the feeling of doing something because another person told me to do it – and it’s not something I really reflected on. As much as it’s important to be open and flexible, I think the key word here is integrity – it’s keeping myself intact while willingly surrendering to God’s will. 😉

Anyways, enough of these sharings. One thought that crosses my mind is – sobraaang seryoso mo naman, relax, unwind, don’t take things seriously or as intensely – that’s usually what someone tells me if he doesn’t get me – but I feel it is also important to be honest with ourselves. Minsan okay lang ang biruanpero may panahon din ng pakikinig at pagtahimik. I realized, one main determining factor that I am close with someone is if we can be quiet with each other and be at peace with it. Or even if we’re not silent, we’re just not noisy..or there are moments of breathing, of just being and not doing. Anyways, I’m babbling. Haha that’s it for now. (Pause and Breathe)

 

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S…for Surprise! :-)

This will be a quick post (still trying to keep to my promise to blog as regularly as possible – which means atleast everyday or minimum of 3-4posts a week) since I still need to finish the scrapbook I made as a surprise for S. 😛 Hehe better late, than never… 😉

S, maraming salamat sa biyaya ng pagkakaibigan natin! 🙂 Para na kitang kapatid, as in Sister. At swak pa dahil mukha nga tayong puwedeng magmadre at tawaging Sister…Salamat sa pagiging sorpresa sa aking buhay 😛 Salamat sa lahat lahat! 🙂 At Sooorrry sa aking mga pang-iindyan. 

On other things, I realized, it’s not about what I want (disordered desires – according to St. Ignatius), but it’s about being open to where God is leading me. My prayer: SURPRISE me, Lord! Sige na nga po, hindi na ako uurong sulong. Sa pag-Oo ng buong-buo! Kahit na minsan nakakatakot. Salamat sa pagiging inspirasyon S! 🙂 Love you!

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Going back in time

Another blog, another chance to share my insights and thoughts. And yet, another chance to think out loud. I realized, that’s why I don’t feel comfortable doing this – writing like this – without any interaction, any reaction. It’s like I’m just talking to the wall and I realized, that’s what I actually miss – constant engagement vs. hermit mode. I realized, in the process of trying to recall my experiences with a particular friend, that I haven’t really spent a good amount of time with her consistently. Nakuwento ko nga ito sa isa ko pang kaibigan – takot ako sa commitment. Takot ako na masanay na madalas ko kasama ang isang tao dahil baka bigla siya mawala o mahirapan ako. I’ve realized that even in my relationships with my girl friends, as much as I do open up my heart out to them, I still thrive in personal space. It’s an on and off process. I feel like stepping back when I’m starting to be close and it’s a conscious effort for me to trust that it’s okay to be too close for comfort – to know each other better, and even occasionally to have arguments or misunderstandings. It is part of life, and it is part of any relationship.

Tsk. Fear. I come off as courageous and brave to many people – given my “I’m not going with the flow” attitude to things – but I realized, that I’m more fearful than I look. In the homily today, the priest said that we cannot deny the presence of evil in the world. And, I was struck with what he said, about fighting even the evil within us. And, I realized, as much as I’m “good” and I try not to hurt anyone and I’m kind to anyone I meet, I do have a dark side – and that side, my own shadow – circles around fear and the feeling of unworthiness. Natatakot ako magmahal ng buong buo dahil natatakot ako mabasag at hindi ko alam kung papaano ko buuin ulit ang sarili ko. Natatakot ako tuluyang magtaya, kahit alam ko yun ang totoo at tama para sa akin, kung makikinig lang ako sa puso ko, pero wala. Urong sulong at minsan pa patulak palayo ang ginagawa ko sa mga taong hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nagpapalambot ng puso ko. Anyways, haha I’m not sure if I made sense with all the words I wrote. But, I feel it and I realized, this cycle has got to stop. Awareness is the key. Bakit ba ako natatakot – kung alam ko naman, na kahit na mawala pa ako, o minsan masaktan, nandiyan Siya at mabasag man ako, lalo kong natutuklasan ang kalooban ko at pagkatao sa pakikisalamuho.

To end, I find light in this poem I wrote a few years ago:

Magaslaw

Pabagsak ng dahon, paikot-iko, hinihipan ng hangin, na dala ng ipo-ipo.

Tila bababa sa isang bahagi ng hardin. Ngunit lilipad uli, makulit, nakikipaglaro.

Paikot-ikot, baba, taas, kanan at kaliwa..hindi mawari kung saan patungo.

Sa saya at bigo ay may paghinto. Ngunit patuloy lang sa paglipad at pagkilos.

Minsan nagmamadali, nakikipaghabulan at magulo. May mga saglit ding tila alanganin, malumanay o masalimuot.

Ano man ang kilos niya, patuloy ang pag-asa.                          Sa mga patak ng ulan, nakikipaglaro.                                            Sa sinag ng araw sumasayaw.

Despite my weaknesses, my reluctance to completely love and trust, I am humbled with the realization of how much love I have received and how there is light even amid my own darkness and shadow.

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Writers and love letters

Okay, so now I try to blog at night (the first 6 blogs I’ve written I wrote early morning, when I woke up.) This time around, maybe I can try writing at night and see how it goes.

For some reason, I notice how I get to express myself fully in Filipino and not in English – when I start using this language, it’s like I become more cognitive. But, when I want to capture how I feel, my native language is what draws me. Anyways, I just wanted to share that insight.

I liked the two writings I read today – one was a short story a friend who wants to start writing did, for her husband entitled: “The Remorseful Mailman” about letters not being delivered, not because your loved one didn’t send them but the mailman lost it; and another blog of a distant friend about seeing beauty in everything – not just the “good” side but the simplicity, complexity and connectedness of everything. Ang ganda at ang galing! 

On other things, I realized (I commented on my friend’s post about the short story she wrote and gave to her husband), I’m a sucker for love letters. 🙂 Haha even if I get to see my ex regularly before, we would still write letters to each other (e-mails mostly although one of my favorite thing we shared was a scrapbook full of letters with correspondences from both of us) and I appreciate it more because I get to share things I fail to express when we’re together and I get to know more about his thoughts that I might not have had a chance to hear.

Anyways, I think I need to spend more time writing. 🙂 I haven’t really captured my random experiences in a way that I hope to do. And, I still owe myself a post about Love, death and surprises. 😛 I hope to write it this week.

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